Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Dome Reclamation Project

Chef announces small, but important steps toward reclaiming tainted sections of the Superdome this afternoon.

Chef began by unearthing several sacred Cafe 641 items from the 2006 season in his attic last night . . . the infamous Forty-Niner Fruitcake, which doesn't last as long as Aunt Sally's does when stored in an attic for six months . . . P-Diddy's Bacchus-thrown Junkyard Dog Black and Gold beads . . . Mojo's custom crafted fleur-de-lis bead from the Philly playoff win . . . an oversized black and gold spoon and ladle set gifted to Chef from the Cafe faithful.

Then, braving early morning sunshine, Chef mixed an extra large Absolut screwdriver and snuck into the Dome in civilian attire, hidden among the LSU/Tulane fans. While the rest of the Superdome grew silent during Tulane's spirited, but short-lived first-half rally, Chef climbed to the top of the Upper Terrace. Finding his Cafe empty, Chef began a labyrinth-like walk through each row, stopping at every seat to utter the Who Dat Profession of Faith.

"I believe in the spirit of the Who Dat. I profess my Who Dat faith. I will return to these roof-banging seats on October 7. I will wave my golden spoon. I will be loud. I will stay for 4 quarters. I believe in saving my gameday appetite for Cafe 641. I break bread with my Upper Terrace family. I feast on Birds -- clean or dirty, black, green or red; Cats -- big and small; Pirates; the city of Houston; Gold Diggers, and the swollen haunches of the grizzly bear."

Stopping only to step over a broken spoon in Row 41, Chef continued his rounds to the top of the Cafe. And then, fatigued by the burden of his labor, Chef entered the Cafe 641 men's room, where a smoldering cigarette miraculously remained from five nights earlier. Chef picked the Cafe token from the ground, examined it closely for germs, and took its final drag.

As he dropped it into the urinal, Chef looked curiously upward to discover a cloud of smoke hovering around his head. And Chef be damned if he didn't notice the faint, cumulous tinge of a fleur-de-lis formation.
Earn it. Reclaim it.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Broken Spoons

No. That's not Chef to the left. But Chef feels this kitchen soldier's pain: you get all worked up to use your favorite kitchen utensil and it goes and breaks on you.

Chef missed the mark mightily last night at the Monday Night Monstrosity by sitting on and breaking a sacred golden spoon early in the game. He apologizes for his miscue.

Some other omens from last night:

* On the pre-game walk to the Dome, Chef and crew come across a white limousine owned by Old Pimpin', the same limo they visited during last year's playoff game. This was certain to be a good omen, until Chef realized that Old Pimpin' hadn't made the trip from Hattiesburg -- too sick to travel. His fine family promised to deliver him a game day menu.

* Retro golden spoons were in full effect in Cafe 641, including an eye-popping showing from Austin Who Dat, who traveled from Texas for the game, 2006 playoff golden spoon in hand. Austin spent part of his night denouncing his Longhorn alma mater because it was the birthing ground of VY.

* Proud Mary is still four quarters strong.

* Chef's stamina slipped as he was unable to distribute all 200 printed menus prior to kickoff.

And the final bad omen . . . Superdome security actually conducted raids on the Cafe 641 smoker's lounge throughout the game.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Another Miracle Monday

Save your appetite. Vy Calf Fries. LenWhale White Beans and Rice. And Fried Fisher Sticks w/ Titan Tartar Sauce. It's on.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Charles Grant Drops Bomb

Every morning, Chef takes his three offspring to school. And every morning, the vintage carpool suburban gets rocking when Baby Boy da Prince says, "Charles Grant, he a monster how he bust through that line!"

Which reminds Chef of yesterday and Uncle Tom's spontaneous fan rally. C. Grant made Chef's highlight list. So did the Cajun Cannon. And Captain Insano, seen here. Rita was strong yesterday. Uncle Tom made his ass wiggle a little bit.

This was just an all-around strong rally. Chef agrees with this morning's T-P's sports page headline: Uplifting Experience.

1. Chef missed the opening of the rally because aforementioned offspring wouldn't cut class an hour early. He arrived just after a standout moment, which was retold in accurate detail by a long-time season ticket holder. Seriously. This is all exactly as it happened:
Charles Grant takes the stage. In his expected understated manner, C. Grant asks the crowd to please get loud and show some excitement, etc. before ending with: "We gonna tear the muthaf**** up on Monday night!" Hollis Thomas follows C. Grant onstage. He smiles. And says, "Uh, yeah. What Charles said." Defensive co-captain Scott Fujita follows Hollis. He look around at the crowd, shifts uncomfortably at the sight of so many families with young children, and says, "Uh, we're sorry about what Charles said. He gets a little excited sometimes."

2. Bobby Hebert was not shy.
Aside from this dance moment, his best line: "Hey Who Dat Nation! I'm seeing all this energy ya'll showing me. And if ya'll bring that to the Dome Monday night, there ain't no way we ain't gonna beat dem Titans!"

3. Just offstage, Rita, Uncle Tom and trophy wife swayed gently to Rockin Dopsie. Until Dopsie called Uncle Tom onstage. And then it was on. Tom pulled hard on his suspenders, bent over backwards and showed Chef and several thousand Who Dats what he's workin' with. (Rita wore business casual gold pants, one of those black fleur-de-lis, torn down to cleavage, t-shirts, and a light-colored blazer, if you were wondering.)

4. Pierre Thomas is still a nice guy who appreciates where he's at. He was the last Saint onstage and told the crowd, "I've only been here for 3 or 4 months, but I love New Orleans. I want to thank all of you for giving me so much support when I was trying to make this team. It helped me a lot." Pierre had as many people looking to shake his hand and congratulate him as he did autograph seekers. Great smile.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

New Orleans is Secure

. . . or so says Dan Swenson of the Times-Picayune in his week three version of Starship Saints. Swenson is back on the happy juice, which suits Chef just fine. Instead of getting benched after being exploded by a Flaming Thumbtack, Chef was told in a very reassuring tone, "New Orleans is secure."

Swenson's week three effort is all around strong: revised music track; familiar battleground with an aerial shot of New Orleans; retro shout outs to the Titans' forgettable Houston roots, and the rare opportunity to blow up threatening hurricanes that have formed over the Gulf at the same time you destroy a barrage of paper-bagged 'Aints.

Plus, Chef's steady trigger finger finally climbed higher than round 2.

All of this and a pep rally on Friday? Uncle Tom, Rita-licious, P-Diddy . . . make it stop. Chef's gonna pee his pants.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Toasted Titan? Cafe Requests Menu Items

Hey, Cafe 641! Seems that one of our family members has been holding out on us. Mark C. from Cafe 641, Row 43 was caught earlier this week with damning evidence that he cooks and cooks well.

Chef lifted these pictures from his home kitchen picture gallery, and now wonders how many other Cafe 641 Who Dats are keeping their recipes to themselves.

If Mark C. of Row 43 can generate a hand-tossed pizza that rivals the Cafe classic Jeremy Shit-shockey Mushroom pie from 2006, a Tennessee Fruit Tarte, and an entire oven of fried chicken, how many other recipes have we missed out on?

Not the time for stinginess, Who Dats. No excuses for mourning after Monday morning. Back to practice. Tennesse won't cook itself.

Post menu suggestions now. Post often.

(by the way, Mark C. Consider yourself forgiven after allowing a one-time photo post of Dexter Who Dat's touchdown pose AND his dramatic reaction to Olindo Mare's field goal miss)

Monday, September 17, 2007

Who Called Uncle Tom?!

Time to 'fess up Who Dats. Which one of you picked up the phone 50,000 times and asked Uncle Tom to orchestrate a Friday pep rally?

Maybe Chef has lived with C. Ray as his mayor for too long, but this event, complete with concessions, a band, and appearances by select Saintsations (lucky you, Clio IV), sounds like it was planned like in February.

Still, Chef will be there -- mostly because it just slightly beats the hell out of watching YouTube videos to get ready for MNF -- and this season, if nothing else, needs an up to go with two downs.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Garcia over Grits

A friendly Who Dat reminder to stock your kitchen now for a Sunday morning feast on Gimpy Garcia Grillades and Grits.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Kitchen Talk with Brian the Snarky Line Cook

Cafe 641 devotees may remember the short-lived appearance of a jovial line cook alongside Chef Who Dat last season during week 5 against Tampa Bay. Signed from the practice kitchen for a single game appearance, Brian the Snarky Line Cook delivered an impressive game-day menu that still attracts praise.

In fact, the Snarky Line Cook's entire performance was impressive. He was responsible for grip-rite flooring being installed in the Cafe 641 men's room. He corralled a group of Who Dats for a post-game walk to Molly's at the Market, and sometime before hailing a taxi, thieved the undergarments off the ubiquitous Molly's mannequin above the bar.

After his narrow escape from the Jedi Chefs, Chef sought refuge in the Texas home of Brian the Snarky Line Cook, who nourished his body and soul with Creole Roast Beef, Roasted Potatoes, and two entire Smoked Chickens. Something about the explosive flavors of the Snarky Line Cook's dishes reminded Chef of a prior Bucs menu:

The Pirate-Infused Brunch Buffet. The Arrrugula Salad. The Diced Simms Spleen served over Scurvy Scallopini.

After careful consultation with the Snarky Line Cook, Chef announced a single, playoff proven dish for this weekend's visit to Tampa:

Gimpy Garcia Grillades and Grits.

It's time to get back to the familiar.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Chef Resurfaces with Jedi Training

Chef issued the following statement yesterday in an attempt to explain his absence and subsequent transformation:

"Sometime between falling face first into his uneaten bowl of Horse Shank Gumbo and his 50oth viewing of Coach Mora's post-game assessment, Chef found his way into St. Bernard Parish, heading down the road on Judge Perez to the end of the world, where he figured at least the serene sound of water lapping against what used to be Delacroix Island when calm his soul.

Instead, he stumbled onto Supa Saint's post-game leap from the St. Bernard Civic Center, which Chef misjudged for an ill-fated attempt to turn back time by flying around the world in rapid counter circles as only Supa Saint can. At the last moment, then, Chef turned West, hopped a freight train, and found himself somewhere between Dallas and El Paso by Friday morning.

This is where Chef vaguely recalls his abduction by the Holy Order of Jedi Chefs. Chef awoke from his deep inter-state slumber to find himself on a West Texas cattle ranch with a small, green Yoda-like Chef strapped to his back and surrounded by some tricked-out kitchen light sabers.

"Who Dat, homey," the little Yoda Chef barked. "Uh, okay. Who Dat," Chef replied. Then there was complete silence for four hours. Finally, unable to withstand any more confusion, Chef stammered, "No offense, little man. But can a Chef get a little explanation here?"

"Quiet you will be, young Jedi Chef. The same we are as normal Jedi be. But cook we also do."

The rest is carefully documented on the inimitable website: Chef Who Dat expects his mental and emotional acumen to improve significantly after his Jedi abduction. He apologizes for not calling his mother during the six-day affair.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean

Stevie G continues to prove that he's a real fine human being.

But, Paris Parker Salon, huh? Really? Aidan Gill was booked already? What about Golden Shears? They'll give you a fine-looking Hot Wheels car after your cut.

Chef thinks that maybe Gleason was roaming around the Upper Terrace sometime during last week's pre-season game against Miami. That would explain the sudden Locks of Love donation, which Cafe 641 kingpin Jon made himself by giving up his trademark pony tail. By all estimates, Jon's bass-playing skills are solid, but not nearly as impressive as his ability to whip that pony into a violent frenzy while leading the Cafe in "Deuce Upside Your Head" chants last season. May that pony rest in peace on the head of a deserving child.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Chef Benched in Second Round

From the multimedia artist that brought us "A Saints Story," "A Fan's Guide to Training Camp," and "Dat Quiz" . . . comes the Who Dat version of Asteroids: Starship Saints.

Chef's considerably weak gaming skills caught the eye of P-Diddy in Round 2: "I'm benching you Rookie! Return to New Orleans Spaceport immediately."

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Are You Ready?

The Saints site (multimedia tab) asked Chef if he was ready.

And to be honest, maybe Chef wasn't. So he spent a minute of his life viewing their edited down version of a program that aired on Cox Sports TV earlier this week.

And then another minute with Supa Saint.

And 1:05 with Deuce.

Okay, make that 30 more seconds with Deuce.

Yeah, now he's ready. (and ready to buy a new car)