Saints Make Crucial Move

Just in time for draft day, the front office gives us a little more fuel . . .

Draft Day Insider

Chef received a startling phone call last evening while working on some Dome dishes in the test kitchen. With Records from the Crypt blaring from the custom kitchen surround sound system, Chef could barely make out Shirley, ID#34594, ask about additional need for FEMA rental assistance.

"No thank you, maam. As I told your employer two months ago via certified mail, polite phone call, faxed message, and return of several thousand in unneeded rental assistance, the Chef is back in his test kitchen.

But Chef was wondering two things: Why did it take ya'll nine months to send any rental assistance in the first place and four months to stop sending it once you started? And, who do you have at #27 in the first round on Saturday?"

Shirley's response, Chef shits you not:
"All I know is that, um, um, well . . . I don't know."

That's golden, Coach Payton. Take it to the bank.

Dome Draft Board

After weeks of non-stop online, radio, and ESPN draft predictions, Chef has been experiencing an empty feeling the past few days.

He can't help but think that something is missing from Mel Kiper Jr.'s shameless posturing. It's not just lil' Kiper's hair that's been keeping Chef up at night. It's the basic premise of the NFL Draft, an event that too often is seen as the most important off-season improvement a team can make.

(No disrespect, Reggie. Much love.)

All Chef's been hearing this off-season is rookies, free agents, new coaches . . . but nothing on the closed door draft that happens in the ticket office on Airline Drive to determine which area of the Superdome will most propel the Saints to victory in 2007.

Makes Chef consider wonder how Cafe 641 would draft given the opportunity to select first round Who Dats to populate its Upper Terrace confines. Would Abdul make the cut? Supa? Fleur Delicious?

Who Dat Door Prizes

Chef has it on good faith that a New Orleans neighborhood recovery event this weekend will give out free door prizes that may include significant Who Dat memorabilia.

The website video promoting this tour of Lakeview rebuilding is a little freaky -- but if you can get past all the sinister Leave it to Beaver images, then consider moving to this part of town. At least that seems to be the point of the "No Place Like Home Tour." As incentives, each registration location is supposed to have plastic eggs to give to visitors. Chef heard from one source that the eggs are free and some sizable donations have been made.

Oh yeah, and this is the hood Chef and Co. recently returned to. Chef offered a bronzed mustache and spoon from the 2006 Saints season as door prize donations, but was politely rejected. Autographed tubes of eye black and playoff menus were also turned down by the neighborhood organization.

Strength and Conditioning

"Every weight that is lifted in the weight room and every conditioning drill that is completed in April, May and June are done with the express purpose of increasing the strength and stamina required to endure the mental and physical demands of training camp and the rigorous NFL season."

Damn right, Dan Dalrymple.
That's why Chef today announced an off-season commitment to get his life straight.

"The program actually started last week when Head Coach Sean Payton held a team meeting to discuss his expectations, rules and regulations with the 2007 squad."

Yo Coach. Chef heard ya loud and clear. That's why he accepted the intervention of Cafe 641 counselor Nacho Libre this evening.

"Cheeeef! I've got the body of a 20-year-old boy, Cheeeef! Get your shit together Chef. I've been taking off early from work to get in extra reps on my curls. I'm in midseason condition already, Chef. If you challenged me today, I could drink more alcohol than two Monday Night Football games."

Chef considered his options. He pondered his nearly 10-year long pledge to avoid physical conditioning. He thought about the NFL's newly revised rules. He did some quick calculations on the ratio of mustache aeration to Doam Foam consumption. And he asked himself, "WWWDD?"

The answer?

A 10-week program where Chef completes four workouts each week. Chef has the option to take part in kitchen workout groups that start at 7:30 a.m., 10:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. Each workout lasts between one and a half to two hours.

Chef has requested that Paul Prudhomme create a specific routine for the Cafe 641 altitude in order to maximize results and minimize potential for injury. Chef will start off with a 15-20 minute warm-up period in order to prevent injuries and muscle pulls. Once warmed up, he will move into 30-45 minutes of speed vegetable dicing drills, concentrating on the areas of speed, conditioning and agility. Following the cutlery work, Chef will enter the powder room to apply facial hair. Two days out of the week, Chef will focus on classic intimidator styles (e.g. the Scoundrel, the Rogue, the Bandit), while the other two days he will concentrate on more relaxed fashions (e.g. the Casanova; the Party Boy).

See other Who Dat conditioning programs here: Saintseester. Supa Saint.

UPDATE: On-air interview regarding Supa Saint's offseason conditioning program tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. on 99.5 FM New Orleans.

Mutant Fleur De Lis Enters Classic

After being rescued off a St. Charles Avenue neutral ground in early spring 2006, this mutant Fleur De Lis was dropped off at the starting line of the Crescent City Classic. He was pictured in the Lagniappe section of today's Times Picayune, running full stride in an archived photo from last year’s race.

Rumors from Saints strength and conditioning program suggest that Coach is trying to talk Ms. Benson LeBlanc into a community-wide training regimen that asks fans to use fleur de lis body weights in their daily workout routines.

Chef is still trying to verify these rumors and will attend the Crescent City Classic post-party to clock the finish time of the large-scale Fleur De Lis shown above. If a time of less than 60 minutes is recorded, Chef pledges the use of 10kg fleur de lis wrist weights in the making of all off-season sauces, purees, and soups.

Farewell Wrinkled Foot

Out of respect for John Carney's six seasons of service to the New Orleans Saints, Chef will go without shoes throughout the Easter Weekend. The Crescent City Classic announced earlier this morning that it will wave its "No Shoes, No Entry" policy for the post-race party that Chef annually attends.

Carney's final Who Dat message:

To the Faithful of New Orleans:

My time of wearing the Fleur de Lis has come to a close. For six seasons, I have been blessed and privileged to represent the most faithful, loyal fans that the NFL has to offer. This was never so evident than during this magical season of 2006. Monday night football will never reach the pitch and purpose it met on the night of September 25th.

New Orleans is a city regaining its strength and swagger, and the Saints are proud to be leading the way. My family and I have been forever imprinted with the style, culture and kindness of the South. Through triumphs and tragedies, the perseverance and integrity of the New Orleans' people is far stronger than politics and hurricanes.

I leave New Orleans a far better man, looking for a team in need of a wrinkled foot, sure to soon be missing great friends of the South, with the knowledge that my taste buds will always yearn for one more Drago's charbroiled oyster!

May God bless the city of New Orleans. Thank ya'll for the support and class you showed me during my Saint's career.

Best wishes and God speed,

John Carney #3

Cafe 641 Profile #8: Sticky Fingaz

**NOTE: Eighth in a series of bare-all, expose profiles that allows Chef to e-hibernate this off season with a clear conscience.

Who dat doth Chef's rubber chicken-eagle and playoff victory golden spoon point? Ask Nacho Libre (pictured left). He too peeps out Sticky Fingaz, facing the Cafe with fists clenched, eyes streaked with eye black, wearing a gold #9 jersey.

A Who Dat would never guess that Sticky Fingaz trained at the prestigious Hamburglar Petty Thief Academy in 2002, where he earned the "Robble, Robble, Robble" award after a breakout performance in kleptomania arts.

His role in the Cafe?

* Sticky Fingaz was one of the original Cafe 641 bearers of the black. During an early season game, Chef reached into his pocket to discover that his eye black tube was missing. After a frantic search, Chef looked down two rows at a smirking Sticky Fingaz, who had already striped up himself, his father, and Red Carpet D beside him.

* Sticky Fingaz reacts strongly to the Cincinnati loss and swipes the Upper Terrace 641 signage from the top of the Cafe. (Note to Superdome security: velcro don't stop well trained thieves.) Sign is reclaimed by Dome staff as Sticky Fingaz tries to maneuver out of the building.