Friday, August 15, 2008

Sunday School

You remember how the Fuhrer once took his niece to a NFL game, and she got all freaked out when she met some folks who made less than 40K a year and spent at least some of that on season tickets and some beer and let off some steam cheering for their home team on Sundays in the Fall?

Well, that led to this.

Which led to this.

Which led to my hearing on WWL's news flash what Saints fans can expect tomorrow on entering the Superdome for the first time in 2008.

Superdome General Manager Dave Freeman has apparently read Dilly's Sacredome manifesto quite carefully and wants to take us Who Dats to sunday school. Problem is, though, Dave must be Baptist cuz his church sounds different than mine.

Dave starts out all sane-like. He says we should follow the Dome's version of the Golden Rule -- do unto the guy sitting next to you as you would want him to do unto you. Right on, dawg. Right on.

Oh, wait, you mean not everyone is a big fan of striping your section up with pre-game eye black, offering neighbors swigs of Absolut New Orleans, or open-mouth kissing (sadly no link) to celebrate first downs? Well, what's a Chef to do?

If you're struggling with your behavior modification project like I am, here's an easy to remember interpretation for each of Dave's Sunday School Superdome Policies:

1. Dave sez: "don't drink too much" Dave means: you'll be forced to take a breathalyzer test at Gates A & C, and again if you try to enter any of the Plaza or Club seats.

2. Dave sez: "don't say the wrong thing" Dave means: Remember, you don't have to project your voice to be heard. It's more fun to say it, not spray it.

3. Dave sez: "basically don't do anything inappropriate" Dave means: sit on your hands, cross your legs, and use napkins to wipe the nacho cheese from the corner of your mouth.

What's that, Who Dats? You're worried that you still might get tossed because you just don't understand? No worries. Dave's a fair guy. He's not gonna toss you out on the first offense. WWL's Dave Cohen even gives us an extended interview so you'll know just what to do.

Just remember . . .

4. Dave sez: "there's a fine line in saying something that is offensive to the guy sitting next to you" Dave means: you never know if the guy sitting next to you is a guy or a girl, so better to err on the side of caution and not talk to anyone.

5. Dave sez: "ask yourself if you'd want your 10-year-old son exposed to that sort of language." Dave means: it's much more comfortable for him to hear it at home when you throw a beer at your new 40-inch LCD when Jason David pops out of the toaster.

But, good news, Who Dats! It's not all "don'ts." There's at least one "do" mixed in there.

Dave sez: "don't worry -- there's no provisions in there for standing. If someone wants to stand up the whole time, they are certainly free to do so." Dave means: WTF? I have no idea what he means by this. Can I stand up entirely on my own two feet, rising in reaction to the action on the field induced by Our New Orleans Saints?

Let's recap: When you enter the Superdome, it's time for sunday school, and Dave is your preacher. If you don't follow his rules, you're out.

And don't even try to sneak past Rule #1 above:
"If we can tell you've had too much to drink before you get here, you're not going to be able to get in the building. We're just gonna send you back to your car."

Back to your car. Perfect. Just where you need to be when your public drunkenness is thoroughly clear that you can't even gain admittance into the Superdome for a friggin' football game.

6 comments:

saintseester said...

Oh, criminy. I don't like these rules. My sister cusses like a sailor. What am I going to do when they come for her?

Mr. Clio said...

"I wear their scorn as a badge of honor."
Dan Quayle, 1988

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E0CE3DD1339F933A25755C0A964958260&sec=&spon=

Mr. Clio said...

What planet are we on now?

Fashizzle.

T.S. Fay out there, and we are going to go into the Dome and behave ourselves?

I think not.

t-dex said...

What is this, Footloose?

Bielzabub said...

Chef,
Distancing yourself even further from your devout upbringing. If you have any problems with DAVE call Bubba.

Chef Who Dat said...

Yo, Devil. Where yat? Yes, it is true that some distance has occurred between my strict theological culinary upbringing. Maybe that's why I have such a hard on for guys like Dave who try to tell guys like me what and where and how and when to behave. I'm just pissed thinking about it, so thanks.

So you really think we need to bring in the big guns from Crystal Clear Imaging?