Sunday, August 03, 2008

We Can Mix It, If We Want It

Apparently Chef Who Dat (neither registered nor trademarked) isn't the only person staving off madness before the NFL season starts next month. He thought he was. But he's not. Down in Hot-lanta, folks are losing their minds.

See, there's this guy named Steven Kowalczuk. He's originally from Pittsburgh. Proud graduate of the 1987 class of Langley High School. Maybe even grew up a Steelers fan. Steven's currently holding it down in the ATL at clubs like "Stage Crew" and the "Getting Stoned At My House Club."

What? You haven't heard of Steven Kowalczuk? Maybe a little reminder would help. Remember these club-banging lyrics to "Mix It"?
Listen up ya'll I'm The Cocktail Chef

a Pittsburgh native mix-master Stef

Cookin' up dishes and fillin' your glasses

Gypsy Pearl in the house 'bout to shake your asses

Nothing? Seriously? Oh, wait. I forgot.

You don't know him as Steven. You know him as "The Cocktail Chef" (registered and trademarked by Steven Kowalczuk & Angelina Sarantis). That rings a bell, right?

Steven, uh, I mean "The Cocktail Chef" was Atlanta's Most Wanted Bartender in 2005. But ever since Ryan's "All You Can Sack" Buffet (not Ryan's Buffet, registered and trademarked eating establishment, but Ryan's "All You Can Sack" Buffet, an unregistered, untrademarked mess hall catering to the Upper Terrace Who Dat ilk) reported to training camp, CC's been all crazy like.

Crazy like? Whatchutalkinbout Chef WD? And what's with all this registered/trademarked shit?

Uh, well, no easy way to put this. So I'll just lay it out as I heard it:
Hello, My name is Steven Kowalczuk and I am "The Cocktail Chef". The name "The Cocktail Chef" is a registered and trademarked name that is the property of Steven Kowalczuk & Angelina Sarantis. My attorney has been informed and you now have a chance to change your name, discontinue use of the name, or continue to use the name and have criminal charges brought against you. We are fully prepared to take this issue to court. Seeing that you do not own the name (because we own it by law) you are not permitted to continue using "The Cocktail Chef". THIS IS A PRIORITY ISSUE. I WILL BE CHECKING BACK TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE COMPLIED WITH THIS REQUEST. Please feel free to visit THE "ORIGINAL" COCKTAIL CHEF @ www.myspace.com/cocktailchef
Good thing this isn't Cafe 641's first run-in with lawsuits. We know what to do. Here goes:

With my deepest apologies to all that I've damaged, including our very own Cafe 641 Cocktail Chef, the Diva Mixologist, Ms. Vidrine, who will forever in my heart -- even if a small unregistered, untrademarked way -- be known as the cocktail chef (lowercase t, lowercase c's), I've now discontinued use of the highly visible name mentioned above. Evidence is provided in the 2007 Cafe 641 Profile #2, which must have irritated Steven's Hot-lanta Rash. BTW . . . if you google "Cocktail Chef," Steven's myspace page is the #1 hit. Our very own Cafe 641 mixologist is #2, so maybe the O.G. has competition issues?

Steven, I still feel a little bad about all this. So I'm extending a few olive branches.

1. You're more than welcome to a free meal and all-you-can drink voucher at Cafe 641 on December 7. You'd have to fly to New Orleans, buy a ticket to a football game, and climb to the very top of the Louisiana Superdome, but I'd like to think it would be worth it. I'll give you an autographed menu, a complimentary golden spoon, and who knows? Maybe the Dirty Birds would even foot the bill.

2. You're also welcome to trademark a few dishes from the Cafe 641 menu that may go over well in the ATL: Bird-Beak Bisque? Blackened Falcon with Dirty Bird Rice? Wait. I know what you might like: The Hotlanta Nut Sampler (w/ Old Man Morten’s Shriveled Nuts, Joey’s Riding-the-Pine Nuts & Byron’s Left Nuts)

Peace.

11 comments:

t-dex said...

hi-lary-ous! i just saw The CAFE 641 Cocktail Chef, it's her birthday tomorrow. Happy Birthday The CAFE 641 Cocktail Chef!

"What I've learned… not from a book"
Probably didn't need to be stated.

Jake said...

Have you heard of the NFL's recent "Feeding America" campaign featuring an NFL cookbook. I though to myself, their rollin' with Chef's version of mojo.

Grandmaster Wang™ said...

Oh, that's rich. Oh, this guy... this guy might just find himself the star of the show over at my place too if I can find a little time tomorrow.

What a spectacular douche.

By the way, Chef, I'd suggest a two-word reply to get this ball of hilarity rolling: "Prove it."

Because I've been searching the database at the US Patents & Trademarks Office, and while the lovely Ms. Sarantis does indeed own the trademark to "Gypsy Pearl" (as well as the tremendously classy "Bellydance Booty Camp"), neither she nor the dashing Mr. Douchepants there appear to own any rights to "Cocktail Chef"

And he's in Atlanta? A bartender in Atlanta? Who has a "stage name"? Oho, this guy... why I oughta...

So much potential for big, big fun here.

Chef Who Dat said...

Happy Birthday Cocktail Chef! No, not you Steven. Yes, you Jeanne.

Jake: What? You didn't get the memo? Cafe 641 is underwriting the NFL's campaign. They're bleeding cash after the Frozen Tundra Favre Bean scandal.

Wang: Spectacular douche indeed. Probably don't need to tell you how well he and the patented Pearl would fit in with the hcwdb.com crowd.

Chick in the Huddle said...

whoa! I'm so remarkably late in the game on this one! Please inform Sir-Douche-a-lot that the Chicks come fully equipped with their own legal team who are completely prepared to go to battle with the likes of this hot mess in Hot-lanta.
Desert Chick, esq can strike up the paperwork immediately. Oh, and would be completely unprofessional to sprinkle a little of my dog's droppings in the envelope?

Michelle said...

Ok, Chef, what should one prepare for the opening preseason game feast???

Bielzabub said...

Besides the fact that Bluto look like he has slight chromosonal defect, I think he needs to get a call from Waguespack!!!

Chef Who Dat said...

devil: chromosomal defect has been confirmed. apparently he was dropped on his head by a vicious street gang while growing up on the streets of london (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=188055934)

Go easy on this guy. He's a poet in the making: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=188055934&blogID=276156062

Chef Who Dat said...

Sorry about that. Cocktail Chef links from previous comment are here: London Upbringing

and here: Poetry

The Cocktail Chef said...

Thanks Chef. I really appreciate how you've handled this situation and as far as I'm concerned... CHEF WHO DAT is all good with me. I am going to try to make it in December but if I don't, thank you for the olive branch. YOU ROCK!! -- Thanks again. Your friend... The Cocktail Chef -- www.myspace.com/cocktailchef

Anonymous said...

"The Cocktail Chef" is a ball sack. Cheers wanker.