Kitty Want Some Whoop Ass?

2nd seed? 5th seed? First-round bye? Home field advantage? Am I the only one who finds Carolina completely selfish? We're in the midst of a national fiscal crisis, largely caused by the banking industry, and all they care about is the playoffs. Hey Charlottians. Get perspective or we'll do it for you. I expect ya'll are ready for us to whoop that kitty's ass.

Cafe 641 Announces Saints-Panthers Halftime Entertainment

It's come to this, has it? Our New Orleans Saints have announced pre-game and halftime shows for our final game that wouldn't pass for entertainment in any other NFL city except Dallas. To avert catastrophe, and in the fine tradition of Cafe 641's allegiance with another West Bank hip hop legend, we invite you to scrutinize Lil Sol of the Sol's Watches Empire in hopes of staging the largest halftime Donkey Kong dance demo the 504 has ever seen.

donkey kong

The "Everything Tastes Better Next Year" Pledge

"I pledge to return to this hallowed Dome in 2009, mail my season ticket deposit on time (January 30), and pray (or meditate or make animal sacrifice based on my religious conviction) daily for a Black and Gold Super Bowl in 2010. So help me Deuce."

Travis Burkett just called, wished me a Merry Christmas, and gave detailed instructions on how Cafe 641 Row 41, Seats 20-22 WILL BE MOVED within spooning distance of Cafe 641 Row 42, Seats 9-10 in 2009.

Gary Gibbs must go, but Travis should be nominated for Ticket and Suite Sales staff member of the year. He can be contacted directly at (504) 731-1871.

If you'd like to move your seat into the Cafe, see above diagram for more detailed information. The following lcoations are not indicated on the map, but do, in fact, exist: Dirty Dog wall; exclusive Cafe 641 elevator; Smoker's Ally; and Club Bang the Wall.

Dear Diary . . . (Dec. 11th - 13th)

December 11, 2008

Dear Diary,
Hosted a small viewing party for Cafe 641 tonight. It ended poorly when I realized that dropping a Dirty Dog on that small space between sofa and wall has little impact on either linebacker play or porous holes. On the upside, Mojo made an appearance. As did Jimmy V. from the Cafe, Jimmy V.'s girl from the Cafe, two of their friends, an Uptown dentist, and the only Echocardiologist to watch from the bench as Dwayne Bryant single-handedly won the 1986 Louisiana State Basketball Championship for DeLaSalle. Best part of the night? Shouting "Get in the High Life" every time Billy Miller touched the ball and slamming a Miller.

By the way, how do you get sneaker marks off of eggshell finish latex paint?

December 12, 2008

Dear Diary,
Kyle Orton should just admit that the Bears' playoff chances depend solely on the weather and defensive backs with very little skill or pride in self.

December 13, 2008
Dear Diary,
Who are these guys? Don't remember seeing this much awesomeness in the Cafe. The one on the right reminds me of Joe Dirt, and the one on the left kinda looks like he could sacked Steve McNair's son in high school.

P.S. If I could find a way to put a mustache on that Black and Gold piece of sexiness in the background, I'd be a very happy chef.

Dear Diary . . . (Dec. 8th - 10th)

Monday, December 8th

Dear Diary,
Today I woke up with a pounding headache and a foggy memory of being hard since a lil one. Do I know this guy, Diary? All I can truly remember is dappin' it up, dynomite-style, with a cracked-out Ernie in Cafe 641, as Pierre Thomas took the Falcons' Curtis Lofton for a ride. And a drive home, courtesy of Cafe 641's top, top-row mother-daughter combo.

P.S. Does Roger Goodell know that in the Superdome, even the stadium attendants drink from a flask after touchdowns? I vaguely remember a tap on the shoulder after my second swig of Hennessy. Turning around, I handed over the flask to our very own Cafe 641 stadium attendant, who finished off the flask in a neat 2-seconds before returning it.

Tuesday, December 9th

Dear Diary,
My head feels more clear today, Diary, and I now feel confident in making the following list of things found/things lost in the Superdome over the past few weeks.
Things found: a new found appreciation for the adhesive qualities of Kraft American Singles; a deep-tissue bruise just behind my knee-cap, apparently the result of a fatal third Dirty Dog in a single game; a deep understanding of the importance of linebacker play; a Mother Hen.

Things lost: little plush Chef; a 22-inch Golden Spoon given to me on the eve of our 2006 playoff victory by Proud Mary and Mr. Rita Benson LeBlanc; my liver; a tube of eyeblack; my patience with Sean Payton.

Wednesday, December 10th

Dear Diary,
Did I ask the entire Cafe 641 to my house to view the Bears' game for tomorrow night? Whose idea was that? When did I make that ill-fated decision? Is that guy Jimmy V. coming with his hot girlfriend "whats-her-name?" Did I agree to cook?

Abracadabra!

Hey, Fuhrer Goodell. Ever heard of the power of suggestion? No?

How about the infinite ways in which food makes us do things we might not otherwise conceive of? No?

Well, S.O.I. Roger-baby. Cuz' it's not even Sunday yet and Cafe 641 has already willed Deuce into uniform.

All-U-Can Sack Buffet

How do you follow cheez whiz shots, Kraft Single Cheese-staches, an Aaron Rodgers voodoo cheese doll, and a postgame celebratory trip to the home of the hottest painting of a woman in a 'stache?

It's not easy, but Cafe 641 likes to think you start with the basics. Like a blackened rubber bird, beaten. And a few old-school golden spoons. Maybe even a few West Bank guests.

Another home win would be nice too.

(Lil' Doogie) Steps Have Been Taken

All U Can Sack Dirty Bird Buffet

It's Tuesday, and due to forces beyond Cafe 641's control, the Ryan's All You Can Sack Buffet menu goes to press in two days. Nevermind the inexplicable pass-to-run ratio. Forget for a moment today's potential sidelining of our Deuce Upside Your Head Cake.

Instead focus on the bird. The dirty, dirty bird. Consider, if you will, the very real possibility of verbal altercations with overhyped Phallcon fans. What might you bring to the table?

Should you go biblical with a little John Abraham's Sacrificial Lamb? Maybe old school with Blackened Falcon? Perhaps nuovo with a side of Shoddy Roddy Rice?

Matt Ryan wants you to eat him.

Rinse and Spit

Trying to get that fecal matter taste out thee fleur de lis mouth? Well, good luck. So is Tom Benson.

But, nevermind Poopgate. This shit we've got right here is serious.

So serious, in fact, that Cafe 641 is bringing in the big guns. While the Phallcons lay claim to Young Jeezy, Lil' Jon, T.I., Outkast, Luda, DJ Unk, Bonecrusher, and Scrappy . . . Cafe 641 will unveil it's own level of durty, durty on Sunday. Straight outta Marrero, he's real, brah.

Look for more details in the days to follow. But for now, just know that the dirtiest of bird menus will be prepped & printed by Thursday, Dec. 4. The menu box is now open.