Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Forgive Me Father, For Chef Has Sinned

Chef's first born, Lil' Reggie, made his second sacrament last Wednesday -- Reconciliation. As a non-Catholic Who Dat fathering a Catholic Who Dat, Chef believes it may be time to join in the fun.

First step? Catch up for lost time by confessing all Chef's Carnival/Who Dat/Free Agency sins of the last month.

Sin #1: Chef failed to completely stop the Coach Payton's Orpheus float dead in its tracks when it entered the Cafe 641 Mardi Gras zone at St. Charles and Constantinople. Apparently, the Who Dat love at St. Stephen's was a little sweeter than what the Chef and Co. was cookin' up.

After repeated phone calls to representatives of Blaine Kern studios, Chef learned the exact float number of Coach Payton, led the block in several warm-up "Who Dat" exercises, and finally tagged the crowd with eye black.

All this resulted in a sudden lurch from Coach, who leaped from his center position with his wild-eyed "they really love me" expression to the neutral ground side, poundingt Cafe 641 Who Dat faithful with football beads and a few plush toys.

Chef confesses that he only partially sacrificed his body in attempt to get Blaine Kern to stop entirely for the Cafe.

Sin #2: Chef broke a sacred vow and offered up the Cafe 641 Golden Spoon outside of the Dome on Mardi Gras morning. Chef confesses that it was his love of brownies that broke him. After being stopped near Louisiana and St. Charles by an aging pack of Brownie Scouts, Chef engaged his counterparts in a discussion of culinary dishes. When confronted by the senior Brownie Scout member with her desire to be spooned, Chef caved. When the just-spooned Brownie then requested a more personal spooning, Chef blushed, causing slight discomfort to his applique mustache.

Sin #3: Chef agreed to a non-sanctioned photo-op with Saints fans posing as Bears. While Chef verified their season-ticket status prior to photographing, he wonders, "What if . . ." as it relates to later Free Agent trauma regarding his hero Joe Horn. The Bear krewe sported two hunters with a "Bear Season" sign, two bears with targets on their backs, and two small children dressed as cowboys with rifles aimed at the large mammals.

Sin #4: On his tired trek back to the apartment after a long Mardi Gras morning on the campaign trail, Chef stumbles across Who Dat greats, Berto and Sean, marching in the Jefferson City Buzzards. Chef bows humbly to these legends, receives tokens of apprecation, makes plans for Training Camp trip to Jackson, MS, and then . . . forgets entirely of his recurring dream of every Buzzard still standing swaying back and forth to the new Who Dat anthem, "The Saints Are Coming."

Sin #5: Chef lost the inspiration behind eye black throughout the Dome, when Hollywood moved to Atlanta. Chef confesses that he did not once call the Joe Horn show nor offer the proceeds from his soon-to-be released Cafe 641 Cookbook as part of the team's negotiations.

Chef requests that Father allow him to suggest his own penance for this sin: the public display of eye black throughout the offseason until Joe appears at training camp in red and black.

Due to the wide range of Chef's sins, he suspects others may have heavy hearts as well. In the spirit of this Lenten season, Chef encourages the Black and Gold faithful to acknowledge their Who Dat imperfection and publicly confess their shortcomings.


saintseester said...

Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been a few years since my last confession.

Forgive me for I removed the nail polish of holy colors in favor of a kicky hot-pink for spring. I know not what I do.

Michelle said...

Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been . . . uh . . . a really long time since my last confession.

I have not yet planned my trip to training camp.

go ahead. I'm waiting for the stones to hit

Mr. Clio said...

If this ain't the greatest post ever, it's close.

Remember Bum Phillips on Earl Campbell?

"He may not be in a class by himself, but it don't take long to call the roll."

I hope you're dead serious about this trip to Jackson.

Dilly. Berto. Chef Whodat. Sean. The Mrs.'s in tow. Kids in tow. Or not. Whatever.

We must do this.

Check the film "Fever Pitch," with the guys at spring training. That's what I'm looking for.

Mr. Clio said...

Hampton Inn's aren't that expensive.

saintseester said...

Ha ha ha - I JUST rented Fever Pitch, and groaned when my friend told me I WAS THAT BAD. No I'm not, but I wanna be.

Jackson is my hometown, y'all. We gotta go and meet up. There are some good, bad and ugly hotels about. Where we wanna all stay? I'm afraid of downtown though. I grew up there, remember? Just sayin'. My plan is to talk my daughter into doing the saintsations summer camp thingy and dance at a preseason game like last year. So whatever weekend that happens on is when I want to go.

Enough rambling - back to work. Bwa ha ha ha. God Is it Spring Break yet?

Chef Who Dat said...

Dead serious? Chef only makes jokes about Dirty Birds and, only occasionally, Fred Thomas. So, Jackson trip IS ON.

This likely needs to be a slow-building event that reaches PR hysteria no closer than one week out from actual travel.

Step one: make list of all Jackson, MS media outlets and begin underground PR campaign.

Step two: request saintseester's assistance in staging a walking parade from seedy motel to training camp site led by saintsations, with additional walking parade technique assistance provided by Buzzards.

By the way, Chef has been instructed by Vatican City to cease and desist his call for Who Dat confessions. Something about sacrilege or some shit.

saintseester said...

Chef! You got a super secret email you can give me? I am setting up a mailing list for Jaxmiss, so use one you don't mind sharing.

saintseester said...

Doh! Mail me at
saintseester AAAAAT

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