Friday, October 03, 2008

Roger Goodell . . . As Translated by Superdome Staff

All that worry about conduct, misconduct, and Big Brother was apparently for naught. Here's Roger Goodell translated through the fleur-de-lis lenses of Superdome personnel:

1. Weapon-like contraband? Not recommended, but we ain't gonna stop ya
Superdome security sez: "Are you allowed to enter with that?" (gesturing toward 18-inch wooden cooking spoon) "I don't know if you're allowed in with that? They may want you to leave that outside."
Chef sez: "No. I'm good. It's a prop. They want me to bring it in."

2. Alcoholic contraband? We already charge $8 for a single bloody mary and we outlaw bloody doubles, so you should probably just bring your own.
Superdome security sez: "What's that?"
Jim Beam sez: "That's my fifth of Jim Beam."
Superdome security sez: "Oh. Okay."
Chef sez: "Hey Jim. Can I get a swig of Beam? Want me to step behind the wall here so you don't get it confiscated?"
Jim Beam sez: "Shee-ottt Chef. Drink my damn drink, fool. If they take this one, they know I have another back at my seat. And if they ask me to leave, they know I got an extra ticket back at the truck. They don't want to kick me out Chef."

Superdome security sez: "What's that?"
Under-21 Cafe 641 patron sez: "Uh, what? This bottle with pretty royal blue writing on it? It's like a giant perfume bottle that my mom asked me to hold for her."
Superdome security sez: "Oh. Okay. Well, don't drop it."

Superdome security sez: "Why you walking funny, sir?"
Cafe 641 patriarch Hogan sez: "Cuz I got a got-damn wine skin chaffing my ass cheeks cuz. It's full of Jim Beam and I was doing my Keyser Söze impression."
Superdome security sez: "Oh. Okay. Well, take care of those ass cheeks."

3. Malodorous contraband: We'd prefer you bathe at home, but we'll provide complimentary room spray as the need arises.
Superdome security sez: "WTF? Who hath defaced this precious Cafe 641 air?"
DJ Doberge sez: "No worries, sir. It's a concentrated version of a spice commonly used in fajita meat rubs. I think it's called cummin. An industrial deodorizer should clear the air."

To re-cap: your super-size spoons, Jim Beam, and stank are all welcome on Monday Night.

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